Battle 4, Scurvy: The Spanish have replaced all food groups with ham. Who needs fruit? We have ham. Who needs flavor? Just put some ham on it. Did you know that ham can be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Did you know that all condiments can be replaced with mayonnaise? Potatoes, fries, sandwiches, eggs, seafood, rice. They can all be dipped in mayonnaise. Lindsay and I were reduced to harvesting sangria for fruit in order to avoid scurvy and beriberi.
Battle 5, Black lung: Well, not really black lung since we were not coal mining, but second hand smoke didn't sound like a good battle name. Apparently, truth ads have not made it to Spain. How the Spanish live so long is beyond my comprehension. Restaurants and bars have cigarette vending machines so patrons can purchase cigarettes to go with their tapas, and by tapas I mean ham smothered in mayonnaise. Taking your infant child for a stroll? Here, take some Marlboro's with you.
Battle 6, AP-7: This was the toughest battle of them all. Blood was shed, tears were cried, lives were lost. Well, insect lives. Lindsay and I made it out alive, but dehydrated, bruised, and with calloused feet and a head rash. The Autopista del Mediterráneo was thisclose to killing us.
- Europcar gave us a Chevy clown car with as much power as a Vespa.
- The car had a manual transmission.
- The traffic control cops pulled us over and yelled at us.
- We had to pay a 29384729 dollar fee to pass through each city along the way.
- Gas came out to over 6 dollars a gallon.
- Food was scarce, and so was water.
- Circles of death. Turnabouts with 2 lanes and 8 unclearly marked turnoffs. Turn left, which one is left?
Spanish casualties: one Chevy clutch, 86 various insects
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