Backdoor, please.

I traded in my California drivers license for a MetroCard, then I traded in my MetroCard for a Blue TravelTen Pass.  I learned about different modes of transportation in kindergarten.  At 24, I can finally put my knowledge to good use. 

The bus drivers here have no mercy.  Pedestrians do not have the right of way.  The bus will not stop or slow for jaywalkers.  You better run your bum across the street.  Bus stops are abundant; sometimes there are 2 or 3 of them on the same block.  This may sound convenient when you walk out of a bar on Oxford Street and the bus stop is always right out front, but really...  If I can see the next 4 bus stops from where I'm standing, they are too close.  Why can't people just walk so that the bus doesn't have the stop every 20 feet and I don't feel nauseated after every bus ride?  

Bus riding how-to:  

1.  Find bus stop.  This is usually marked by a yellow sign depicting a man getting on a bus next to a bench that does not face the street.  Why?  I don't know, but how am I suppose to see the bus coming if my back is to the street?  Not facing the street makes it rather difficult to perform step two.

2.  Signal bus driver.  If you do not flag down the bus driver, he will not stop.  If the bus driver does not see your frantic waving, he will not stop.  If the bus has more than 15 standing passengers already on the bus, he will not stop.  

3.  Swipe bus pass.  Some stops and most buses will allow you to buy tickets on the bus, but you should get a bus pass just to be on the safe side.  It saves you money.  Ten rides for the price of eight.  The blue pass is cheaper than the brownish one, but you're only allowed to travel for two sections.  If they catch you, it's a $100 fine.  I have been doing it for 2 months and have not been caught.  I ride the whole route, that's like, 6 sections.  I'm an American, I don't know any better.

4.  Find a seat.  Depending on what time of day it is, different problems can present itself and you have to make this decision quickly or you will fall.  Did I mention the bus drivers drive like maniacs?  Start, stop, start, stop, start, abrupt stop, fall.  I need a seat belt and a barf bag.  My knee is bruised from sliding forward in my seat and hitting the seat in front of me.  Most people tend to sit where there are two empty seats.  If all the rows are taken, you have to quickly assess the passengers and grab a seat next to the least creepiest person.  

5.  Ring the bell.  The bus will not tell you where it is and there are no signs to tell you where you are.  It is up to you to know when you need to get off.  This doesn't sound so bad unless you don't know where the hell you're going.  Your friend tells you, "Get off at Palmer Street", but where the hell is Palmer Street!?  How do I know when I am there?  

6.  Get off the bus.  Hopefully, you have arrived at the correct destination.  If not, I hope you have your walking shoes on.  Most people thank the bus driver as they get off.  Sometimes you have to yell "backdoor!" or the backdoor of the bus will not open for you to get off.  That's what she said.