el fin.

I think my blogging days are over. I have run out of creativity.

Ode to the Sunnyside Cinema

In the heart of Sunnyside, Queens, right off Queens Blvd. there lies a hole-in-the-wall rundown theater where I find myself many nights... and days. This bargain theater shows new releases, with a weekly midnight premiere. For 5 dollars, yes FIVE dollars, you can watch yourself a new movie. Kids, adults, senior citizens, students, they don't discriminate. Just five bucks will get you in before 5pm, any day of the week, except on Tuesdays, where its 5 dollars all day.

Photo: Aaron Landry

Now you must be wondering how they manage to stay in business offering such low low prices while other theaters are charging 12, 14, even 16 dollars for a movie. Well, here are some tips from the Sunnyside cinema on how to cut down costs to save YOU, the consumer, some much needed dinero.

1. Hire one person to run the ticket stand, concession stand, make popcorn, set up the movie reels, and check tickets.
2. Don't train this individual on how to make popcorn or project the film onto the screen. (Its ok, no one will notice stale or unpopped popcorn, flat soda, melted icees, or a crooked screen with these prices.)
3. Pay this person minimum wage. Under the table.
4. Don't hire a janitor, the theater will clean itself.
5. Out of signage? Just write the name of the movie on copier paper with a pen and tape onto the door.
6. Cash only. (No credit card fees. Wooo!)
7. Never remodel. Ever.

This still doesn't answer how they stay in business with only 2 patrons per showing...

Girl vs. Wild: Urban Survival

Things you should know about visiting/living a New York winter:

1. Urban city snow is very different from mountainous ski resort snow. Urban city snow is a mixture of ice, grime, dirt, dog poo, and more often than not, homeless people urine. You are not advised to play in it, walk on it, drive on it, or build a bat cave.
   
2. Don't let the sunshine fool you. When I lived in Pacific Beach, I never watched the weather channel or looked up the weekly forecast. All I had to do was look out my second floor window and see if the sun was peeking over the buildings. Sun = warm. No sun = wear a hoodie. In New York City, your best bet is to go out onto your fire escape. This is because 1: knowing the temperature will do you no good if you do not know the wind chill, and 2: since you cannot see air and there are no trees, you cannot gauge the ferocity of the wind. Of course, the wind chill temperature and the speed and direction of the wind can be looked up online, but can you really conceptualize 5 degree, SW winds at 18mph? I didn't think so.
3. Scarves are not an accessory, it is a necessity. It no longer matters whether my earmuffs or mittens look "cute" or match. They prevent frostbite.
   
4. Do NOT under any circumstances, wear good shoes. I still have salt stains on my Frye boots that I have tried to remove with vinegar, cover with brown shoe polish, and shine with oil.
5. Moisturize. Moisturize. Moisturize. Despite the fact that it is snowing and/or raining, the air is very dry. I get 3 month long dry skin patches that eventually turn into dry skin rashes. Not cool.

Diane: What does falling snow look like?
Me: Grated Parmesan cheese.
Diane: So they don't look like flakes?
Me: No, not unless you have a microscope.

Battlefields

Love is a battlefield, continued.

Battle 4, Scurvy: The Spanish have replaced all food groups with ham. Who needs fruit? We have ham. Who needs flavor? Just put some ham on it. Did you know that ham can be eaten for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Did you know that all condiments can be replaced with mayonnaise? Potatoes, fries, sandwiches, eggs, seafood, rice. They can all be dipped in mayonnaise. Lindsay and I were reduced to harvesting sangria for fruit in order to avoid scurvy and beriberi.


Battle 5, Black lung: Well, not really black lung since we were not coal mining, but second hand smoke didn't sound like a good battle name. Apparently, truth ads have not made it to Spain. How the Spanish live so long is beyond my comprehension. Restaurants and bars have cigarette vending machines so patrons can purchase cigarettes to go with their tapas, and by tapas I mean ham smothered in mayonnaise. Taking your infant child for a stroll? Here, take some Marlboro's with you.

Battle 6, AP-7: This was the toughest battle of them all. Blood was shed, tears were cried, lives were lost. Well, insect lives. Lindsay and I made it out alive, but dehydrated, bruised, and with calloused feet and a head rash. The Autopista del Mediterráneo was thisclose to killing us.

• Europcar gave us a Chevy clown car with as much power as a Vespa.
• The car had a manual transmission.
  
• The traffic control cops pulled us over and yelled at us.
• We had to pay a 29384729 dollar fee to pass through each city along the way.
• Gas came out to over 6 dollars a gallon.
  
• Food was scarce, and so was water.
• Circles of death. Turnabouts with 2 lanes and 8 unclearly marked turnoffs. Turn left, which one is left?
  

American casualties: one hairdryer, two bank accounts
Spanish casualties: one Chevy clutch, 86 various insects

Love is a Battlefield

What better way to celebrate the unity of Native Americans and Pilgrims than to go to the land of Christopher Columbus? Exactly, I couldn't think of anything better either. So I over-packed my suitcase, grabbed my hat and suckered Miss Mercer into accompanying me to España, or as the Americans like to call it, Spain. I guess we decided it was too hard to pronounce ñ.

Battle 1, Hostal Acapulco: We arrive after an overnight flight from JFK to MAD to find that we did not consider the flight as night one and had booked the hotel for the wrong day. Lindsay and I find ourselves homeless and exhausted. After getting the evil eye from the receptionist, we checked out the building for other available rooms and found a nameless guest bedroom with an owner who did not habla inglés. Using my Spanish vocabulary that is equivalent to that of a 3-year-old, I got us a room for 40 euros.

Battle 2, Chocolate soup: Weather.com told Lindsay that Spain is 65 degrees. Spain is, in reality, not 65 degrees. A quick stroll through Madrid and the Royal Palace left us cold and hungry so we sat down for some té time. We had our hearts set on some good ol' fashioned green té until I came across chocolate on the menu underneath the coffee section. In my experience, when chocolate is in a coffee menu, it is most likely some nice Swiss Miss hot cocoa. We'll take two please. No. Not in Spain. Do not be fooled by false promises of nice liquidy hot cocoa. Do not be fooled when the server assures you it is a chocolate drink with milk. It is not. It is chocolate pudding melted into the consistency of soup. Resist the temptation. Even when they offer you churros for the dipping. Even when you use the salted nuts to turn it into fondue. Resist.


Battle 3, AVE: The high speed train of Spain. We had plans to take this train from Madrid down to Granada. It cost a bundle and takes 4 hours, but I'm told it's the best way to travel long distances in Europe. That is, until your Spanish skills from 10th grade lead you astray. I heard "cambiar" and "Granada," but I did not hear the "no." Not even when she said it English. They were doing construction on the tracks so people going to Granada, i.e. us, were suppose to stay on the train while people going to Ronda and some other place needed to transfer at Antequerra. We got off the train in Antequerra, otherwise known as, 100 km away from our destination. After being looked at like idiots by every train employee, none of which spoke English, and overhearing them all on the phone saying "... these girls got off the train at the wrong stop," they called us a taxi and sent us on our way. They were even nice enough to pay for our taxi ride.

Join me mañana as the war against Spain continues in the battle of Tarragona, getting angler fished by the AP-7, and avoiding scurvy, the black lung and clogged arteries.

Universal Health Care

The United States is the ONLY industrialized country that does not provide universal health care. Yes, even in some developing countries, government-funded programs offer medical, dental and mental health care to all eligible residents. This means that there are people in third world countries who have a better health plan than I do, as I do not have dental. I pay 1200 American dollars a year to not have dental.

Since it would be a waste of money to not take advantage of this amazing NYU sponsored health plan, I go to health services about once a month. I figure that comes out to about $100 a visit. I am still not getting my money's worth here, so maybe I should go skiing. I was always jealous of those kids who came back from spring break with cool injuries. You would think, as much as I fall, I would have broken something by now.

I recently diagnosed myself with tinea versicolor. It's like dandruff, but not on your head. Most commonly found on your chest and back, it is associated with hot, humid climates... and tanning. I am probably victim to the latter. I have a dime-sized circular patch of tanless skin on my shoulder and a slightly larger, nickel-sized dot on my chest. My skin has lost it's ability to produce color. How ironic. Treatment for tinea versicolor is simply to use an antidandruff shampoo like Head and Shoulders or Selsun Blue. Just to make sure this is what I had before I started my own home remedies, I went in to primary care to have it checked out.

It took about 4 seconds for the doctor to say, "Yep, you have tinea versicolor." I was told to stay out of the sun and use antidandruff shampoo. Staying out of the sun will definitley not be a problem, winter has come early this year. So far, my healthcare plan has been useless to me. I got a referral to see the dermatologist if my problem persists and I was given a depression questionaire. Ten minutes later, I have 10 sessions with the mental wellness counselor booked to help with my coping strategies. After another look at my records, I was asked to hop on the examination table for my temperature and blood pressure because the doctor thinks that the nurse who took my stats earlier might have made a mistake. Nope. No mistake. I have high blood pressure.

I am 24-years-old, I go to the gym four times a week, I do not smoke, I do not drink and I do not eat red meat. I have not had a hamburger in 10 years, I don't remember what soda tastes like, and I have high blood pressure. This probably explains my chest pain, irregular heartrate, tiredness and why occasionally my right eye has not been able to focus. Just another thing I can thank my dad for passing on to me. Thank you, dad, for the large calves that I cannot fit into skinny jeans or boots, thank you for the diabetes and the high blood pressure, and thank you for taking me to Chuck E Cheese and telling me it was Disneyland. Yes, I am still angry about that.

So to celebrate my skin fungus, lack of coping skills and hypertension, I ate 3 rolls of sushi and went to Urban Outfitters. I had a great day.

Time Traveling

In New York, they show these commercials for tourism to Williamsburg, VA, where one can explore the "new world" of early settlers and learn about the Revolutionary War, democracy, and the definition of the phrase "tourist trap." All those happy American families running around smiling and doing cartwheels convinced me to go and explore Colonial Williamsburg to see what all the hype was about.

All the shops sell the exact same items and all the "historical" houses are newer then the building I live in. They only claim to be on the original foundation, so basically, the whole town was built so they can charge a 35 dollar entrance fee. I suggest moving through the sites quickly and then head over to the museum. Definitely worth spending a couple hours there. Also not to miss is the Peanut Butter shop. Yum.